todorable | [week 7] arumat

{ Oh Todomatsu.

Maybe you shouldn't have visited Arumat.

Arumat's in the least stable state of mind ever since he's arrived, and especially once he's gotten a chance to be by himself, he's tossed objects around in his room -- furniture that could be picked up, that is. The pale-haired male hadn't realized how much Frankenstein meant to him until that guy got judged-killed unfairly. So, yeah, there's that as well.

He planned to drink some wine with him (there was a bottle on a desk in his room) hadn't realized he never sorted out his fee--

There's a knock. And it opens.

Arumat's hair is undone from the small ponytail that usually hangs down his left shoulder and he's still wearing the uniform given to him by the ship which he had put on when he approached Clover during that trial. His golden eyes are bright and alight with rage. He's so livid and distraught he doesn't recognize the voice, nor the person standing in front of him. }

You. What the hell do you want?!

Edited 2016-07-19 19:40 (UTC)

...

{ After that he pauses and realizes it wasn't someone who voted for Frankenstein, so he just steps back, lips curled downwards. }

...

I--

[Todomatsu immediately shrinks back; he's never been great with yelling, even when it's not a surprise greeting. But-- Well, maybe he's not the only one who doesn't necessarily need to be alone with their thoughts tonight.]

...I brought tea. So I'm coming in, unless you wanna come over.

[his tone is decisive, as if those are the only two choices out there, and he comes forward to position himself inside the doorway just in case, clutching onto the little thermos of tea like a lifeline.]

{ YEAH

For once, Arumat may be feeling a cross between awkward and extremely frustrated, so it's weird. But, Todomatsu's close enough that he begins to try to pick things up immediately and re-arrange them neatly ... if only because it seems he's allowed Todomatsu to come over. And, well.

No matter what state he's in, he doesn't want his room to be a mess when someone's in here. }

...

{ He beckons Todomatsu in with a hand gesture-- it seems he doesn't feel safe enough saying anything yet that wasn't angry or.. something he wouldn't want to say. So, here's the awkward silence as Arumat moves to sit on his bed, with his hands placed unfolded in his lap. }

...You did a better job than me. The desk was too heavy for me to try and trash it.

["don't worry about it" being the sentiment, as well as "if you're not gonna talk, I will." not that he thinks the chatter is welcome, but it has to be better than this particular silence, right?

once there's a space cleared on the desk or other flat surface, he'll pour out a mug and nudge Arumat's hands with it.]

It's chamomile, since it's late, and since there's been enough to be jumpy about. I can't guarantee how fresh the leaves are, but it's hot at least. --You don't take sugar, do you? I didn't bring any.

{ Now that he's had a moment to be with someone after he's been unfortunately left to think on things on his own (which, actually was not the greatest of things for him), he's managed to settle down. There is still anger and frustration, but it's taken a back seat to grief, and regret.

He's aware Todomatsu may be reassuring him in those first two sentences, so he is grateful for that, even if he cannot express it properly.

When he truly grieves on his own, he shuts down, and conversation becomes difficult for him. It's been awhile since he's been like this.

His hands, noticeably scarred and ungloved for once carefully, yet hesitantly wrap around it. He did have a preference for tea over coffee, but at Todomatsu's inquiry, he'll nod. Then, soon enough, he'll manage something. }

...Why?

{ 'Why didn't you leave', 'Why did you come', and why in general... why is he trying? He feels as if it were wasted on him, like this. Even if he appreciates his company. }

[he bites his tongue on a sudden, flip reply and swallows a way too honest one; glances up at Arumat, then back down to his own mug.]

'Cause today was shitty.

[which, he hopes, should answer any possible iteration of the question, and is also undeniably true.

another pause.]

...Did you want to talk? Or not talk? I don't mind.

[since honestly he's surprised he hasn't been kicked out yet...]

{ Careful, Todomatsu because he WILL kick you out if you choose the wrong option or words during this Private Action Conversation.

Anyway the reason he hasn't been kicked out is because the person he was planning on confiding in is dead and he needs someone here that he trusts. }

...

{ He'll look at Todomatsu at his inquiries. He doesn't know where to start. Does he want to talk? The emotions from earlier seem to fade from his eyes to a gaze more blank, but he has a questioning gaze. }

About what?

Edited 2016-07-20 05:04 (UTC)

...How 'bout a good joke that isn't my life right now?

[he deflates from the silly self-jibe, raking a hand through his hair]

Look. I know I'm not-- I'm not trying to-- I know it's probably hard to believe, but I don't want to push. So if there's something you wanna say, I'll listen. If you just wanna hang out silently, that's fine. I just-- I mean, that's all.

{ Oh Todomatsu... he distantly admits that it takes a lot to still joke even now. It makes him wonder how Crowe would react to this situation, if he were here -- but no, the man's dead too. }

...Your assessment on our current situation? Report.

{ Is it hopeless? Can they truly expect to defeat their enemy? Other thoughts?

The true inquiry behind his seemingly straightforward question. }

Oh, we're screwed. Before, I thought maybe it'd be possible to scrape through by just being friendly enough--not being the nail sticking up. But now?

[he gives a gallows grin, arms folded tightly across his chest]

I mean, what are we supposed to do? The fickle whims of the people here, I knew that was a threat from the beginning. Thought they might act a little more logically by now, but what do I know, I've been played as easily as anyone. Then there's the vent monster, or monsters, who knows how many of them there are since nobody knows how to sense them, including, apparently, our incredibly inept robot overlord, which is enough of a shitshow in itself...

My assessment? Whether it's to stupid people falling victim to this stupid excuse for a game, or to the AI turning off control to our fucking bodies, or to the alien parasites who are possibly inside us right now just waiting to bust out in a spray of grossness, we're all gonna die here without even having the chance--

[he breaks off for a breath that's more ragged than he expects, and tries to force his voice back down the octave.]

--God! Sorry, that got-- You weren't looking for some feel-good hopeful friendship speech, were you? I could try again.

I didn't ask for a useless speech full of hope that'd mean nothing. I asked for something realistic and you somewhat managed to give it to me. Don't bother with the friendship speech.

{ He's assessing Todomatsu's answer. }

If they were able to act more logically, Frankenstein would still be alive then them deciding to throw him to be judged without a single thought. Instead some people are idiots who give into their emotions rather than wishing to look at evidence.

{ He's about to say, Of course it's a lost cause, it doesn't matter anymore. but the words refuse to come out of his mouth. }

Yet, surprisingly I don't think we're all going to die. A few of us will live. Likely Dorian will live since he seems to have so much power at his disposal for one. It's not entirely hopeless.

If you stick around that damned mage, he should be able to help you survive more than I ever could. As for my own fate, it doesn't matter, I'll be dead soon enough.

...Are you listening to the words coming out of your mouth? "It's not entirely hopeless. I'll be dead soon." Is that-- Do you need an intervention?

[he needs to shut up, he knows it, but all he can think is that Arumat's statements are Wrong and More Wrong, with that rising feeling that some more shoes are about to drop way before he is ready to catch them.]

{ Todomatsu came in when the guy's state of mind is as fragile as its going to be, so yeah. His words do sound pretty much kind of insane--

Must be the stress of losing someone he cares about too much every week and then seeing a scenario that reminded him of someone close to him dying and of how much he failed in being able to save his comrades as well as most of his people.

And he hasn't slept for a week. Remember when they talked in the archives and Arumat said he was going to sleep. It didn't happen. }

An intervention for what?

Edited 2016-07-21 01:19 (UTC)

[if totty could read the bracket text he would not be surprised. and you know, more power to him, Arumat's grown, he can do what he wants. ...Well, not anything]

...You can't commit suicide, okay? Not just because it probably won't work. But because you're important, okay? So no dying allowed.

[he says, not five minutes after declaring they're all gonna get canned in space, because obviously scolding is how these things are sorted. in fact, even totty is aware enough to know that's not how it works but he's kinda running on autopilot for now]

{ Arumat falls quiet... into stunned silence, with golden irises widened ever so slightly. There are a myriad of reasons as to why his reaction was so strong. Him, important? He wanted to laugh, but maybe it's because despite the way he carried himself, he had a startlingly lack of self-worth, and deep down expected almost nothing from people most of the time.

... Not to mention, he was a Death Seeker. He wanted to take out the creatures that destroyed his comrades in battle or go out in battle gloriously... and had no intention of surviving it either. }

...

{ Yet, what Todomatsu said just now... yeah, just give him a moment. }

...

[Todomatsu stares up at Arumat until he's too self-conscious to continue, so only a few seconds before he switches back to scowling at his hands. Stupid.]

It's not that surprising by now, is it?

Hmph. You're wrong to assume I'll just kill myself by my own hands or weapon for that matter.

{ He'll just say that right now, golden irises watching him with a semblance of curiosity, among other things.

He's unsure how to answer Todomatsu's question himself, but. He never figured as much, apparently. }

... It is surprising-- but maybe you're the only one who thinks so.

{ That's not true, but Arumat's not in the right state of mind to be making the right judgment calls at the moment. }

Edited 2016-07-21 06:53 (UTC)

Maybe you're nuts...

[he almost goes as if he's about to work up to something, but instead he cuts himself off, shaking his head and waving his hands no. they are both waaay too tired for this conversation.]

Look, I'm not arguing this with you right now. You're wrong, and I'm right, just accept it. Now, lie down and shut up.

[and he even dares attempt to lightly(?) push Arumat over to the bed, what a jerk]

{ In another universe, Arumat could have elucidated further about his possible position, but that was not here. Indeed, he was too tired for this and he growls when Todomatsu attempts to lightly push him to the bed... he'll find that the man is unmovable as a stack of heavy granite. But, he seems to decide that maybe his actions have enough merit that he'll begin to move to lie down.

He'll look at Todomatsu. }

... You're an unusual stubborn idiot.

{ ... }

You can stay the night if you want.

Okay. And I'm going to take that jibe as a compliment, so there.

[he feels something in his gut unclench a little, a tiny, hesitant smile tugging at his lips. There were still so many points he wanted to argue, but he knows that anything further after this hell of a day--week--whatever--is just going to end in tears. Probably his, in fact, just being invited to stay was almost enough for his eyes to sting; Totty'd been planning on somehow sticking around anyway, but it was different when it wasn't his idea.

...So, are you sending me up to be first vent defense or are you going to scoot over?

{ He'll snort at Todomatsu taking it as a compliment... but. Well. He's not wrong, because Arumat only uses that phrase for people he can actually stand, ironically enough. }

Don't be a smart-ass...

{ The Eldarian will grumble before shifting over and indeed 'scooting over' for Todomatsu.

There's a beat, before he says something-- }

Didn't expect you to stay over, after all of that.

If I wasn't a smart-ass you'd be afraid I was a pod person.

[Too soon?? Probably, but hell yeah he's taking that spot, oddly enough, 22 years of sharing a futon makes it awful hard to sleep alone, even without the whole looming spectre of murder thing. It feels...safe. Considering.]

You're the one who forgot to kick me out. 1-2-3 no takebacks, by the way. But it's not a big deal, so don't worry about it. Honestly, I...

[he trails off, silently pondering how to continue...until he breaks into a big yawn]

...Just pretend I said something reassuring and heartfelt. I'm too tired to come up with anything good right now.

Hrm.

{ Todomatsu's right -- even if some people may have thought what Todomatsu said may have been too soon, Arumat doesn't think so considering how dire their circumstances were. }

Whatever. I prefer honesty and frankness as opposed to something that involves attempting to sweeten blows or the like.

{ He'll grunt, sounding irritable rather than ... well, calm. Typical temperament for him, and considering what happened, its still difficult for him to settle down. He closes his eyes. }

Simmer down, my pretend statement was completely truthful. I barely lie to you at all anymore.

[which is actually true, he realizes. ...huh.]

... Good. I'm tired of people lying to me.

{ Congrats, his voice sounds a little softer now. }

Makes it harder to deal with.

Ah? Usually people feel the opposite. They'd rather hear something soft and meaningless than some harsh truth. It's easier...something they don't have to care about.

That's because most people are simply idiotic. Most people are stuck in the same destined, damned circle because they don't want to face up to the truth.

I don't have time for that crap.

{ He literally doesn't. }

...Can't argue with that. Like, I said...it's easy. Generally, the truth hurts, and pain isn't fun.

[and some people like being stuck in a rut and avoiding the truth. at least, he's pretty sure he liked it... he sighs, it's not like it matters anymore.]

It's hard to outrun reality forever, though.

I prefer the pain. The more the better.

{ Arumat already knows the truth -- or thinks he does -- that in the end he'll continue to lose everything. He's already dead inside, its only a matter of time before he is on the outside as well. }

Outrunning reality screws you over in the end either way.

[he frowns, but keeps his voice light. He's not Osomatsu, he doesn't have strong feelings about staying in a Neverland of lazy fantasy forever, but there ought to be some middle ground between that and eternal suffering, right?]

In that case, why not enjoy what you've got while you've got it? The moment you're dragged back to Hell's gonna be just as bad whether you wait or not. If everything's awful all the time, then what's the point?

'Enjoy what I've got'?

{ For once, there's almost a laugh -- but it doesn't come out as unsettling or anything. It just is.

He doesn't seem to know what to think of Todomatsu's words. Enjoying what he has left...

Maybe its because no one has ever said that to him. He's felt too much guilt and too angry with himself among other things that he hadn't even considered the idea himself.

He doesn't know if Todomatsu has presented forth a valid prospect or not -- he's...flummoxed, he realizes. And it's strange. }

... And you think there's merit to that. Even if what you enjoy can be taken from you in a heartbeat.

Well...yeah.

[Totty pauses, realizing more words are going to be necessary but trying to work out what they are... He can't imagine not trying for more and better, despite knowing the way these things always end. And while he's fairly certain that the stakes for Arumat are a helluva lot higher than having his pachinko winnings stolen or his chances at going to a mixer ruined, you've gotta go for what's yours, right?]

I mean... Just because something's gonna get taken away doesn't make you enjoy the time you've got it any less. [ugh so corny, say something else] --And there's always someone--or someones--who're out to drag you down and screw you over. But...you're better than them, so you deserve more than to settle for what they want.

Hmph.

{ Yet, maybe he finds something to Todomatsu's words because he hasn't completely shut him or them out. Listening is a thing he actually does, despite how reckless and brash he can be. }

Of course. I'd never get into whatever they want -- despair and ...

{ Arumat's words trail off, in a startled realization what he was going to say. 'Despair and death' -- even if the latter had been something he was seeking for himself in battle, its what their enemy wanted, right? His lips curled into a frown and he just grunts, trying to see if he could pull the cover more over his head. But then he realizes there's someone right next to him so he just immediately stops right after.

But then: }

If you're telling me this, then you must realize you can't settle for what they want either.

Of course not. Screw those guys. ...Screw your guys, too. Assholes.

[he has no idea who they are or what they've done, but maybe they shouldn't have been so wrong.]

...So?

...Do you want to know?

{ What they did-- what those things did to him. }

You are so intense, all the time--

[it's a knee-jerk deflection, he suddenly realizes, automatic bullshit to lighten the mood, to disengage when things start getting serious, and he cuts himself off with a sudden flush. Maybe that's why-- Either way, this isn't the time?]

But, um, kinda. If you want to talk about it.

...

{ Arumat had been already hesitant enough to speak about it, and the attempt at deflection that was habitual for Todomatsu makes him even moreso. That and the 'if' portion of the other male's words. So he chooses to fall silent instead, as if he weren't cognizant of his surroundings in the slightest. }

Edited 2016-07-23 18:19 (UTC)

[...well. He walked right into this heavy silence. Which...happens, it's not the worst thing in the world, he fails to convince himself. Because it kinda feels like it is? Because he's kinda disappointed, and worse, he kinda feels like a disappointment. Which is why he generally avoids...a lot of things, actually. He scrubs a hand over his face]

...Sorry. I'm not really used to this. Talking. About stuff that matters. So it's not that I don't... It--it's just surprisingly hard!

{ There's a longer stretch of silence where it seems like Arumat's not going to speak up. }

It's fine.

{ His tone's lighter and his voice almost dead quiet. }

It's not something I'd want to burden anyone with anyway. Our circumstances are bad enough.

[his response is instant, sharp.]

That's dumb. Don't act like you're a burden, you're not.

...If you don't wanna talk to an asshole like me, that's fine. Backing down isn't. And don't--don't feel guilty about it! There's been like twenty murders here, what the hell's a "burden"?

{ He'll grunt, sounding irritated... because he is -- he shouldn't let the situation get to him to this extent. }

I'm not backing down.

{ But he was. Arumat has been there, where he was devoid of all hope, and decided that he'd be doing everyone a favor and just die off. }

When I was 17, I was still Captain of the 13th Independent Armored Division from Eldar. Eldar's the name of the planet I hailed from and it was a planet that hung close next to a large, red gas giant that was set to go off in about two hundred years or so. Around the time I commanded my forces at this age, I found that soon my allies were wiped out easily by a menace called the "Phantoms". These creatures were mysterious beings from space that had the ability to copy ships and people and return the strength of them tenfold.

We had no chance, but somehow I wound up surviving that encounter. Following that, I worked hard to be able to eventually counter the threat that destroyed my unit. However, my efforts were for naught.

The Phantoms returned nine years later, when the red giant suddenly became abnormally ready for a supernova well before its time -- the reason behind that being was the Phantoms themselves induced the sun artificially into that state. All of Eldar begun its evacuation of its people almost immediately following that... only of course to encounter a mass wave of ships brought upon the Phantoms waiting for us. It was a trap -- and even though we fought back, the conclusion became rapidly clear:

We were severely outmatched and our efforts would end in the near slaughter of our entire species. And this is what happened.

I watched as the ship I was on began to crumble in its defenses even as I attempted to command my new unit to back up my people and ships' that held innocent civilians' were targeted as well as destroyed. Fires broke out and killed all of my men once more and not only that, but I was sure I'd die there as well, given that I was knocked back by an explosion due to the loss of my ship's shields. I wished I had at the time, because when I rose to my feet, I could see painfully clear when the red giant consumed my homeworld-- Eldar--within its fiery depths of hell.

The Phantoms left after that, and I stood there, staring forward into the abyss of death. Unbeknownst to me, a man had arrived with a rescue team and he boarded the ship despite the danger to rescue me. His name was Crowe. Crowe F. Almedio. He saw the despair in my eyes and my wish to die there with my brethren, but he took me anyway. I didn't thank him because I couldn't comprehend why he would want to save me. I had thought there was nothing left. My home, my people were gone, and I.

{ ... }

That man told me to "blame my regrets" and I had work to still do and...

"Now that you've survived this, you have to fight until the very end. I'll be there to witness the moment you finally burn out."

He valued my will, and never told me I had to live or some other such nonsense. Somehow that kept me going and saved me, but now...

{ He laughs, a little bitterly now, but its a free and one without restraint. }

I don't know why I even told you this. About him, or any of this.

[For once in his life, Todomatsu has nothing to say. He, whose biggest concerns at 17 were trying to get girls to let him copy their math homework. He, who cried when his brother moved barely an hour away. He, who basically from day one has been poking and prodding at Arumat like he'd never had anything worse happen to him than having to wear a shirt that goes all the way down when in actuality that was a billion times not the case.

What's he even supposed to say to all this? "Sorry everyone you know is dead"? Give some inept, hackneyed reassurances? How can a trash-caste loser like him say anything at all? Ugh, maybe he shouldn't have been such a flippant, entitled ass, or at least not 100 percent of a dick 100 percent of the time. If he had only known, then...

...Then what? He'd have pussyfooted around like Arumat was some fragile thing seconds from breaking? He'd have said only the "right" things, thrown in some shallow, false sympathy, treated him different from every other person he'd ever met? That's--dumb, insultingly so, and leaves a bad taste in his mouth he's quick to try and forget. He'll figure something out. Nothing was different anyway, so...]

Sure don't do things by halves, do you.

[He could be allowed that one, right? Seriously, who survives not one, but two catastrophes like that? Just in case, he lays a hand on Arumat's arm, he's not trying to push away.]

...It wasn't a bad thing, was it? The talking part, not the content, obviously. I mean, now that you've told it, you don't feel worse...right?

No, I don't.

{ He actually feels better. Maybe it really was a good thing Todomatsu came over after all-- he struggles to show his appreciation. When was the last time he's ever properly given his thanks? He doesn't remember--and his eyes open briefly to stare tiredly at the other beside him. He's vaguely aware there's some physical contact going on, but he just closes his eyes after giving Todomatsu a slightly annoyed look.

He's not a fan of it, but from people he trusts, he can put up with it briefly. }

... If you hadn't visited, I'm not sure what would've happened. What I'd be doing next.

That's why, if you need the same, I'll lend the offer to you or if you feel the need to drop by for whatever reason.

[Sorry not sorry man, physical contact comes with the territory (especially when the territory is a single bed). Luckily he is not a gross cuddler so Arumat's saved that, at least. He does take his hand back, propping himself up on his elbow and staring at Arumat instead, brows ridged and ears hot.]

...Really? I take full advantage of offers, you know.

And, uh. Thanks, for not kicking me out, and all the other stuff.

[The trust, mostly. But hopefully that much was understood.]

{ He's saved! Arumat would have probably complained at that if there was any in particular, honestly. So it's for the best, and he does relax once the hand is withdrawn, as well as probably a little further to show he's finally become less tense. }

I'll make sure to be careful with any other types of offers in the future, then.

{ ... }

It is no problem. It's only common courtesy at this point.

Well-- Okay.

[Another beat, then he settles back down with a sigh, hands folded over his chest. Now that Arumat's relaxed a bit (probably as much as he ever does), Todomatsu finally feels the tension in his gut release as well, leaving him simply exhausted. And it's only--no, he probably doesn't want to know what time it is anyway. "Bedtime" is enough.]

Hopefully next week won't be so...much.

{ There is a halting, stilted sound of amusement from him at that, a small smile on his lips, but he turns his head into the pillow somewhat to hide that.

He wonders if Todomatsu realized how much he just saved him, and now he'd be very willing to do the same. Either way, he'll allow himself to fall to sleep soon enough. }

[Totty half didn't expect Arumat to actually conk out, so he's happy to be proven wrong. That's more-or-less what he'd come over for, anyway.

And then before he can think too much further, the sound of Arumat's even breathing and just the feel of not being alone washes away everything else, soothing him to sleep almost as easily if he'd been back home.

Finally, something today turned out alright.]

[week 7] arumat

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