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[week 7] arumat
[So. That weekend sure was a thing.
Taking stock: Two good men were dead, one of them an older brother cut down in front of his sibling's eyes. After an extended trial where he'd helped contribute to getting an innocent man executed, the true killer (who he'd believed in even after telling himself not to believe anymore) turned out to be some alien parasite who seriously hurt a bunch of other people including a good friend by turning its body into stabby things(!) and then things got weird, what with the axing and the turning into demons and the Rhys thing and the AI getting angry--
Now, compartmentalizing is great, definitely recommend, but something like this is too big for Todomatsu to handle on his own. Not after the stress of the days and weeks before; not in this room, too cold and lonely and wrong even before the scratching started behind the walls.
And so it comes to pass that Todomatsu finds himself knocking on Arumat's door at some obscene hour, since-- Most importantly, since he's pretty sure Arumat will be awake to answer. He hopes. His rapping is quick, nervous; his voice a hiss that who knows if it even makes it though the door.]
H-hey! Are you there?
Taking stock: Two good men were dead, one of them an older brother cut down in front of his sibling's eyes. After an extended trial where he'd helped contribute to getting an innocent man executed, the true killer (who he'd believed in even after telling himself not to believe anymore) turned out to be some alien parasite who seriously hurt a bunch of other people including a good friend by turning its body into stabby things(!) and then things got weird, what with the axing and the turning into demons and the Rhys thing and the AI getting angry--
Now, compartmentalizing is great, definitely recommend, but something like this is too big for Todomatsu to handle on his own. Not after the stress of the days and weeks before; not in this room, too cold and lonely and wrong even before the scratching started behind the walls.
And so it comes to pass that Todomatsu finds himself knocking on Arumat's door at some obscene hour, since-- Most importantly, since he's pretty sure Arumat will be awake to answer. He hopes. His rapping is quick, nervous; his voice a hiss that who knows if it even makes it though the door.]
H-hey! Are you there?
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In that case, why not enjoy what you've got while you've got it? The moment you're dragged back to Hell's gonna be just as bad whether you wait or not. If everything's awful all the time, then what's the point?
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{ For once, there's almost a laugh -- but it doesn't come out as unsettling or anything. It just is.
He doesn't seem to know what to think of Todomatsu's words. Enjoying what he has left...
Maybe its because no one has ever said that to him. He's felt too much guilt and too angry with himself among other things that he hadn't even considered the idea himself.
He doesn't know if Todomatsu has presented forth a valid prospect or not -- he's...flummoxed, he realizes. And it's strange. }
... And you think there's merit to that. Even if what you enjoy can be taken from you in a heartbeat.
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[Totty pauses, realizing more words are going to be necessary but trying to work out what they are... He can't imagine not trying for more and better, despite knowing the way these things always end. And while he's fairly certain that the stakes for Arumat are a helluva lot higher than having his pachinko winnings stolen or his chances at going to a mixer ruined, you've gotta go for what's yours, right?]
I mean... Just because something's gonna get taken away doesn't make you enjoy the time you've got it any less. [ugh so corny, say something else] --And there's always someone--or someones--who're out to drag you down and screw you over. But...you're better than them, so you deserve more than to settle for what they want.
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{ Yet, maybe he finds something to Todomatsu's words because he hasn't completely shut him or them out. Listening is a thing he actually does, despite how reckless and brash he can be. }
Of course. I'd never get into whatever they want -- despair and ...
{ Arumat's words trail off, in a startled realization what he was going to say. 'Despair and death' -- even if the latter had been something he was seeking for himself in battle, its what their enemy wanted, right? His lips curled into a frown and he just grunts, trying to see if he could pull the cover more over his head. But then he realizes there's someone right next to him so he just immediately stops right after.
But then: }
If you're telling me this, then you must realize you can't settle for what they want either.
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[he has no idea who they are or what they've done, but maybe they shouldn't have been so wrong.]
...So?
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{ What they did-- what those things did to him. }
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[it's a knee-jerk deflection, he suddenly realizes, automatic bullshit to lighten the mood, to disengage when things start getting serious, and he cuts himself off with a sudden flush. Maybe that's why-- Either way, this isn't the time?]
But, um, kinda. If you want to talk about it.
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{ Arumat had been already hesitant enough to speak about it, and the attempt at deflection that was habitual for Todomatsu makes him even moreso. That and the 'if' portion of the other male's words. So he chooses to fall silent instead, as if he weren't cognizant of his surroundings in the slightest. }
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...Sorry. I'm not really used to this. Talking. About stuff that matters. So it's not that I don't... It--it's just surprisingly hard!
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It's fine.
{ His tone's lighter and his voice almost dead quiet. }
It's not something I'd want to burden anyone with anyway. Our circumstances are bad enough.
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That's dumb. Don't act like you're a burden, you're not.
...If you don't wanna talk to an asshole like me, that's fine. Backing down isn't. And don't--don't feel guilty about it! There's been like twenty murders here, what the hell's a "burden"?
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I'm not backing down.
{ But he was. Arumat has been there, where he was devoid of all hope, and decided that he'd be doing everyone a favor and just die off. }
When I was 17, I was still Captain of the 13th Independent Armored Division from Eldar. Eldar's the name of the planet I hailed from and it was a planet that hung close next to a large, red gas giant that was set to go off in about two hundred years or so. Around the time I commanded my forces at this age, I found that soon my allies were wiped out easily by a menace called the "Phantoms". These creatures were mysterious beings from space that had the ability to copy ships and people and return the strength of them tenfold.
We had no chance, but somehow I wound up surviving that encounter. Following that, I worked hard to be able to eventually counter the threat that destroyed my unit. However, my efforts were for naught.
The Phantoms returned nine years later, when the red giant suddenly became abnormally ready for a supernova well before its time -- the reason behind that being was the Phantoms themselves induced the sun artificially into that state. All of Eldar begun its evacuation of its people almost immediately following that... only of course to encounter a mass wave of ships brought upon the Phantoms waiting for us. It was a trap -- and even though we fought back, the conclusion became rapidly clear:
We were severely outmatched and our efforts would end in the near slaughter of our entire species. And this is what happened.
I watched as the ship I was on began to crumble in its defenses even as I attempted to command my new unit to back up my people and ships' that held innocent civilians' were targeted as well as destroyed. Fires broke out and killed all of my men once more and not only that, but I was sure I'd die there as well, given that I was knocked back by an explosion due to the loss of my ship's shields. I wished I had at the time, because when I rose to my feet, I could see painfully clear when the red giant consumed my homeworld-- Eldar--within its fiery depths of hell.
The Phantoms left after that, and I stood there, staring forward into the abyss of death. Unbeknownst to me, a man had arrived with a rescue team and he boarded the ship despite the danger to rescue me. His name was Crowe. Crowe F. Almedio. He saw the despair in my eyes and my wish to die there with my brethren, but he took me anyway. I didn't thank him because I couldn't comprehend why he would want to save me. I had thought there was nothing left. My home, my people were gone, and I.
{ ... }
That man told me to "blame my regrets" and I had work to still do and...
"Now that you've survived this, you have to fight until the very end. I'll be there to witness the moment you finally burn out."
He valued my will, and never told me I had to live or some other such nonsense. Somehow that kept me going and saved me, but now...
{ He laughs, a little bitterly now, but its a free and one without restraint. }
I don't know why I even told you this. About him, or any of this.
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What's he even supposed to say to all this? "Sorry everyone you know is dead"? Give some inept, hackneyed reassurances? How can a trash-caste loser like him say anything at all? Ugh, maybe he shouldn't have been such a flippant, entitled ass, or at least not 100 percent of a dick 100 percent of the time. If he had only known, then...
...Then what? He'd have pussyfooted around like Arumat was some fragile thing seconds from breaking? He'd have said only the "right" things, thrown in some shallow, false sympathy, treated him different from every other person he'd ever met? That's--dumb, insultingly so, and leaves a bad taste in his mouth he's quick to try and forget. He'll figure something out. Nothing was different anyway, so...]
Sure don't do things by halves, do you.
[He could be allowed that one, right? Seriously, who survives not one, but two catastrophes like that? Just in case, he lays a hand on Arumat's arm, he's not trying to push away.]
...It wasn't a bad thing, was it? The talking part, not the content, obviously. I mean, now that you've told it, you don't feel worse...right?
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{ He actually feels better. Maybe it really was a good thing Todomatsu came over after all-- he struggles to show his appreciation. When was the last time he's ever properly given his thanks? He doesn't remember--and his eyes open briefly to stare tiredly at the other beside him. He's vaguely aware there's some physical contact going on, but he just closes his eyes after giving Todomatsu a slightly annoyed look.
He's not a fan of it, but from people he trusts, he can put up with it briefly. }
... If you hadn't visited, I'm not sure what would've happened. What I'd be doing next.
That's why, if you need the same, I'll lend the offer to you or if you feel the need to drop by for whatever reason.
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...Really? I take full advantage of offers, you know.
And, uh. Thanks, for not kicking me out, and all the other stuff.
[The trust, mostly. But hopefully that much was understood.]
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I'll make sure to be careful with any other types of offers in the future, then.
{ ... }
It is no problem. It's only common courtesy at this point.
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[Another beat, then he settles back down with a sigh, hands folded over his chest. Now that Arumat's relaxed a bit (probably as much as he ever does), Todomatsu finally feels the tension in his gut release as well, leaving him simply exhausted. And it's only--no, he probably doesn't want to know what time it is anyway. "Bedtime" is enough.]
Hopefully next week won't be so...much.
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He wonders if Todomatsu realized how much he just saved him, and now he'd be very willing to do the same. Either way, he'll allow himself to fall to sleep soon enough. }
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And then before he can think too much further, the sound of Arumat's even breathing and just the feel of not being alone washes away everything else, soothing him to sleep almost as easily if he'd been back home.
Finally, something today turned out alright.]